Dark Days

I think it’s a hard concept for me to grasp that days can go so well for a while and then all of the sudden – I’m in a horrible place. It could be the smallest thing that trips me up, something average people wouldn’t get bothered by, and I can not recover. If something does not go the exact way I had planned, I feel like I’m losing control.

I will admit that I am a huge control freak. I’m not a ‘go with the flow’ kinda gal. That’s just not me. I don’t think people really understand that and I think it frustrates them, especially my loved ones. It’s hard for them to understand why such a small thing (in their eyes) can affect me so harshly. What happened most recently, that I’m still recovering from, is that some of my credits didn’t transfer to my new university. I have to write some petitions or appeal some things. Sure, it’s a pain in the ass but it’s manageable. It just takes time to sit down, find the right person to talk to, and figure it out.

See? See how normal that thought is? That’s how I think about it in hindsight. But when I first saw that? I had a breakdown. My chest was tight, I started crying, I was shaking, I was sick to my stomach, and I was losing control. My thoughts were running wild and I couldn’t bring myself to think about anything rationally. I hate putting Carlton in that situation, especially in the school library. I feel like it embarrasses him but he is usually pretty patient with me. He calmed me down enough to think for a second but as soon as I focused on it again, I lost it. I started crying again and felt the same panicky feeling. But this time, it wouldn’t go away.

It stayed with me for over a week. The next day, I felt like I had been beat up. My head was pounding and I was exhausted. I had even gone to bed early the night before because I was so upset. I don’t know if I didn’t sleep well or if it wasn’t deep enough. I have a pretty medicated sleep so it’s not that I don’t sleep but I’m always tired when I wake up. Even after 8 or 9 hours. I hauled myself to work anyways, despite feeling absolutely horrible. I worked the rest of the week but had no motivation or desire to do anything. Work was hard enough to get through, and then I was supposed to do homework that night. I couldn’t.

I think that’s what really messes me up. I can have tons of motivation one day and then the next, I’ve got nothing left in me. No fight. Nothing. I felt horrible up until today. Even writing about it now, I feel panicky. I still haven’t gotten in touch with anyone but it’s 100% my fault. I know that there is no other way to get it fixed but the idea of using any energy to even make a phone call makes me panic. I don’t know any other way to explain how I feel like I can’t do anything. I can’t even pick up a phone to call someone about something that is really important. I can barely get out of bed and move it. By the end of the day, I’m so exhausted, I can’t bring myself to do anything.

I called this blog “Dark Days” because that’s what the past week has been. Days filled with sadness, irritation, panic, fear, and as many other emotions that you can imagine. I’m still recovering from this hiccup in the road to University and I know there are many more to come. People are constantly telling me how terrible the system is and how much of a pain it is. I’m definitely not looking forward to it.