Update #3

I guess it’s time for another update since you know, life goes on. I had my first meeting with my therapist on Tuesday. She taught me a new breathing technique and explained what kind of therapy she is going to do. She is going to try… (it would be great if I could remember what it’s called. Let me Google it…)…EMDR. It’s eye movement desensitization and reprocessing therapy. It’s a mouthful, definitely. The basic premises is that my therapist will ask me to recall a bad memory, as vivid as possible. (Turns out that’s easy. I can remember the weather on bad memories from when I was 3). Anyways, while I recall that memory, she will be moving her finger back and forth, and my eyes follow it. As I talk about that memory, feeling those terrible feelings I felt the first time, she will slowly talk about good things and bring me out of that memory.

I’m not sure that’s 100% correct, tbh. That’s just what I’ve read on the internet.

Basically, it’s like bad memories are ice cubes stuck in one part of the brain. Everyday memories are like a river running through the brain. This therapy will start to melt those bad memory ice cubes and they will become part of the running river. This way, for example, the fear of throwing up won’t paralyze me like it normally would.
Get it?

Anyways, Tuesday and Wednesday were the same old thing. School stress and moodiness. The new medicine does seem to be helping. Or it’s not making anything worse? Both? I don’t know. It’s too soon to tell, really. It takes about a month for medicine to really start working throughout your entire system. It’s not instant, like popping a pill for a headache, since it has to even out chemical levels in the brain. It takes a bit more effort for that to take full effect.

Today was an interesting day. I was in a certain mood, which I’m not sure how to explain, but it was weird. I was reminiscing and thinking about the past. Second guessing every big decision I’ve made, whether it’s about school, friends, love, family, or basically, anything you can think of. So I reached out to an old friend and we talked. It was good to talk to someone who I knew in high school since I do not talk to… well, anyone else from high school.
Instead of being normal, I was an idiot. I threw all my personal problems on him and I feel like I put him in a horrible position. I am truly embarrassed by my actions and I hope he knows that. I would apologize again, but it would be the fourth or fifth time, so it’d probably do more harm than good.

What I was going for, before I got off track, was that the whole second guessing thing messed me up. I was really questioning my relationship with Carlton. I kept wondering, did I want to be with him? Or was I just comfortable? Did I really love him? Blah blah blah. Turns out, I really do. (PHEW. I knew I was worried about that.) But before I figured that out, I told Carlton I wanted some space.
There was a lot of crying and silence and yelling and more crying.
But then, Carlton did something that really surprised me. After the initial shock, he told me things I did not want to hear. But what’s so interesting about that was that they were not bad things. They were good.

I have to let you know, I despise when people praise me. It’s a horrible feeling for me because in my head, I’m always arguing back the opposite of how great they say I am.

But he took my hands and sat eye level with me. He told me that I was the most amazing person he’d ever met because of all I’ve dealt with. He told me that his depression never got as bad as mine because I wouldn’t allow him to do that to himself. (Not that he’s “allowing” it to happen to me.) He told me that I was smart. I was beautiful. I was amazing. And I started to believe him. I think that is the best way that Carlton could’ve handled that situation. He fought my dark thoughts with such bright, happy thoughts, instead of getting mad at me for thinking such bad things. He was patient with me, and kind. He respected me throughout the entire thing, no matter how ridiculous I was.

He put to bed every doubt in my mind I had about him. I knew, from the way he handled this episode, that he was the one for me. I do not know any other guy who would’ve stayed through all that. Let alone for 5 and a half years. I do not even have a girl friend who has stayed with me that long. People tend to leave me, so I push them away before they can. That was what I was doing to Carlton. I was pushing him away because I did not want to hurt him anymore and I knew he’d continue to get hurt as long as he’s with me. I will always go through times like these and he gets the brunt of it. All the anger and bitterness I spew out is at him. The hatefulness. All of it.

AND HE’S STILL HERE.
I hope people know they are damn lucky if they have Carlton in their life. I know I am.

On another note, I have found that music has been especially therapeutic recently. Since Taylor Swift’s “1989” came out, I had not found another CD that I had really and truly connected with. Until now. I do not remember how, but I discovered an artist called Halsey. She’s such an interesting person and her music is phenomenal. As soon as I listened to her album, “Badlands”, I was hooked. I felt that same vibe I felt when I listened to “1989”. It was on repeat for the first three months after it’s release (no joke, it was probably longer than that) and the same thing is happening with “Badlands”. There are a couple songs I feel I have a real connection with. One is called “Colors” and the other is “Hold Me Down”. Especially “Hold Me Down”. I’ll leave a link to both at the bottom of this post.

Seriously, give it a listen. You will not regret it.

In ending, I have been feeling about the same since the last post, maybe a bit better. I know it’s a process and it’s going to take a lot of hard work. It would be so much easier to give up but I know a certain someone who will not let that happen. So, I am going to struggle through this dark period for as long as I have to, until I come out on top. Thank you to everyone who’s stood by me during this journey. I’m proud to have a support system like them. I’m very lucky.

“Hold Me Down”

“Colors”