Hey everyone!
Just to start everyone off – things have been looking up. I have felt much better and I feel like this new medicine is finally kicking in and doing what I’ve needed it to do. I have a much better attitude most of the time and I even caught myself thinking positive. (I KNOW. SO WEIRD.) Not lying, it really freaked me out. I’m so not used to thinking of the bright side of things.
Anyways, last week my therapist and I started my EMDR session. It went a little like this. First, she asked me to create a box. A really strong box, in my head, where I could put memories/feelings in and take memories/feelings out. It was a very detailed exercise which helped me take it more seriously…? Or really believe in it. So I put my first memory in there and let me tell ya, I had to stack books to the ceiling to keep it in there but it has not come to my mind since.
Second, she asked me to create a safe place. A place for just me to go when I’m feeling my worst. A place where I can go when everything is just too much. I created a perfect place, one which I will not share. But I have not used it yet. This is the hard part – integrating these new practices in to my everyday life and making them a habit.
So, for the EMDR exercise, she pulled out a machine. It was a vertical screen with a series of dots, two of which were red and went back and forth. I was to follow those dots with my eyes. Then, she handed me two things, one for each hand, that pulsated. Last, she put headphones on me, that had the sound of the beeps that went along with the movement of the dots. It was overwhelming at first. I felt overstimulated but that was said to happen.
I felt like it was hard for me to pull much from the memory I chose to work on that day since there were not too many emotions tied in with it. Don’t get me wrong, it really worked and I’ve felt much better about the situation, but it seemed like a lot more work than I was expecting. I was expecting these thoughts to come to me instantly. Feelings that had been bottled up would just spill out but instead I really had to think hard to find words to explain how I felt.
I told this to Carlton and he gave me a thin, black moleskin journal. He called it my “little black book for therapy” and I have written quite a bit in it. It is mostly used to jot down memories or feelings in certain situations. I found myself transferring a lot of them from my phone (which is easier to access in a moving car or most other situations that a journal) to the journal. I plan on bringing it to therapy tomorrow. I’m hoping one of the memories I wrote down will bring up more emotions.
The only problem is that I have to go to work right after and I do not want to be a bundle of emotions. So that worries me a little, that I might go to a bad place in my head and then have to work. My job is stressful enough as it is. I don’t need bad memories in my head all day, but I am putting my trust in to my therapist and hoping for the best.
As I said before, music has been my constant. I can access it anytime I want and it always makes me feel better. There’s a particular song (which most people might find a little odd) but it really explains my feelings. I’ll leave a link at the end of the post.
Which, I guess, is right now. The song is called “Pity Party” by Melanie Martinez. Basically, it is explaining, in better words than I could ever come up with, what it feels like when I’m down and having a pity party. It’s a lot more complex than just feeling bad for myself and sulking. I hope that it shows people that.
Thanks to whoever is reading this and thanks for the endless support.
Nathalie's Darling Blog 